it's been a while, now...

I don't even know where to begin...

It's been a year, as of March 15th, since I ended a seven year relationship. In July, I signed up for a dating website - ugh - and met a few new people, one of whom is a little more crazy than most (more on that later). On November 8th, the one year anniversary, I got a tattoo on my forearm. I've moved in to my own apt, officially as of September, and I'm learning to cook (ha! talk about a joke!). 

So much has happened, so much on my mind, so much going on now... I had to start to get it out. Once I've collected my thoughts, I'll put them down and get them out of my head. It's pretty crowded right about now.

The knitting, however, the knitting is going marvelously, ever my salvation...

so, i've been thinking

and i don't really like the fact that everyone is working an angle. i've tried to discuss my situation with people whom i thought were friends. the fact is, they took that information and applied it to their own personal benefit. that really gets my goat, damn it. i come to you in confidence, and seeking guidance. in turn, you try to push your own agenda on me. i see how it is now, and believe me, i'm glad to know the truth of the matter now rather than later.

i'm glad that i do have one friend, my beautiful sunshine, who respects and listens to me. he doesn't try to figure out how he'll benefit; he asks questions that make me consider more deeply things that i hadn't thought of before. for that, i can't love him enough. thank you, my knight in plastic armour.

i simply had to get that out of my system. it's been nagging at me for a while now, and i do feel better.

it's been almost 3 months since my granpa has passed. i'm still not okay with it, and i still haven't dealt with it on several levels. i'm hoping that time will help me to fix that, as i try to begin a journey of self-improvement. will it work? i don't know. will i find everything i'm looking for? probably not. but, i can't let these things discourage me! i must keep moving forward, looking to the horizon, finding the silver lining.

i can do this.

feelin' broke, can't get fixed

it's 130 in the morning and i'm searching knitting patterns while watching billy the exterminator. i'm looking for a hat for my friend thanh. tomorrow is mexican food with the boys. went to get haircuts today, and didn't speak on the way there, and barely spoke on the way home. awesomeness.

got a text from a friend saying that my exboyfriend was sighted last week. "i waved hi with a specific finger" - this is why i love my sunshine. i got to talk to an old friend today. i'm trying to find ways to deal with my grandfather's passing

i'm on the hunt for a religion, something to believe in. i've never had a problem with being agnostic before this, but i need to find something that i can find hope in. i need to find some explanation as to what has happened now that he's gone. is he energy that has dispersed to other places? will he come back in another form, time, or place? i just don't know. i know he's not suffering any more, and that's a wonderful thing. he's not in pain, having to get insulin injections; he no longer suffers from the parkinson's, alzheimer's, and neuropothy, amongst other things. but i don't know where he's gone to....

wherever you are, granpa, i miss you and i love you so very much. you were an amazing man, loved and adored by many. we all miss you.

good nite, sweet prince.

Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You

so hard to say goodbye

today i lost my grandfather. it's amazing the emotions that you can go thru in such a short amount of time. my grandfather was the closest to me of all my grandparents, the reason i was given my name. because the man who was to be my father walked out on my mother during her pregnancy, my grandfather was the man in my life until my parents married. he would have given me anything i could have asked for, and all i had to do was ask.

now, he has passed on. his suffering has ended, and the healing for the rest of us can begin. where do you begin when the pain seems to come from every angle? music, food, places, all bring back memories in one form or another. this is the first of my grandparents to go. i have been so fortunate to know all of them, and four of my great-grandparents. i thought that i had been preparing for this for that last several months, but i wasn't prepared for the pain and sadness and anger. i'm hurt by the loss, and saddened by fact that there are so many things he will never see me achieve. i'm angered that he had to suffer, and he was such a good man. two of my grandparents are alcoholics, so drunk that they don't even know their relationship to me. yet they don't suffer. i know that it's unfair of me to wish pain on anyone, but sometimes the anger speaks louder than anything else.

i'm exhausted, and am not prepared to deal with the emotional roller coaster that comes with dealing with my family. i hope to find some peace, but i foresee more anger and anxiety than peace and love. my youngest brother has been lashing out and won't talk about what's really upsetting him; my other brother has the ability to deal with it in a more logical and analytical manner. neither of them was as close to him as i was. i wish they could have known him as i did. they will never get the opportunity that i had....

he had a tattoo, and that is a tattoo that i will soon have on my body in loving memory of him.

i love you granpa, and i will miss you terribly. you will always be close to my heart.