so hard to say goodbye

today i lost my grandfather. it's amazing the emotions that you can go thru in such a short amount of time. my grandfather was the closest to me of all my grandparents, the reason i was given my name. because the man who was to be my father walked out on my mother during her pregnancy, my grandfather was the man in my life until my parents married. he would have given me anything i could have asked for, and all i had to do was ask.

now, he has passed on. his suffering has ended, and the healing for the rest of us can begin. where do you begin when the pain seems to come from every angle? music, food, places, all bring back memories in one form or another. this is the first of my grandparents to go. i have been so fortunate to know all of them, and four of my great-grandparents. i thought that i had been preparing for this for that last several months, but i wasn't prepared for the pain and sadness and anger. i'm hurt by the loss, and saddened by fact that there are so many things he will never see me achieve. i'm angered that he had to suffer, and he was such a good man. two of my grandparents are alcoholics, so drunk that they don't even know their relationship to me. yet they don't suffer. i know that it's unfair of me to wish pain on anyone, but sometimes the anger speaks louder than anything else.

i'm exhausted, and am not prepared to deal with the emotional roller coaster that comes with dealing with my family. i hope to find some peace, but i foresee more anger and anxiety than peace and love. my youngest brother has been lashing out and won't talk about what's really upsetting him; my other brother has the ability to deal with it in a more logical and analytical manner. neither of them was as close to him as i was. i wish they could have known him as i did. they will never get the opportunity that i had....

he had a tattoo, and that is a tattoo that i will soon have on my body in loving memory of him.

i love you granpa, and i will miss you terribly. you will always be close to my heart.